Reschedule’s Weblog

I am stuck. More stuck than I have ever been in my life and unsure of where and how to progress. I want… I want my un-boyfriend home. But here I am, sitting home alone watching Grey’s Anatomy re-runs, drinking a glass of wine and trying to figure out how this all got so screwed up. How did I get so screwed up?

His name is “Utah” and he is my un-boyfriend bcs we are together, but not. Trying to work it out, but not. Im single but… somehow not. He left for Iraq as a contractor for the DOD and what followed were weeks of wretched pain and then a calm knowledge that this was it. I was in for the long haul. All the dust settled and we dug in. We were going to tough it out. We had weathered a few blows both from his mother and from the distance but we could do this right? I signed up for MSSN (Military Spouse Support Network) and every time we hit a bump or I was thrown for a loop I had this group of women all of whom were going though the same thing. Every time I was scared or lost or furious i could get online and I had these amazing amazing women who got it in a way that no one else could. My friends tried to relate but how could they? They have had breakups or people who have moved away but to so many Americans war is just something they read about in the papers, debate at the water cooler, or watch in CNN. And those were things I found I could no longer do. I could no longer relate to people were oblivious, I could not watch the news every night, I could not listen to John Michael Montgomery’s stupid Letters From Home song without bawling bcs in the desert somewhere was my love. And I was missing him to death. I was living in a suspended state of existence.

And yet days went on. I built my friends around me like fortress and I put one foot in front of the other and impossibly I moved forward. And then somehow there was this gulf that began to grow between us.

I may have pushed too hard or may not have pushed enough, but in the end he said he couldn’t handle it and suddenly we were done. Or were we? Since then we have spent months in this animated limbo, some days working on things, some days sending heart wrenching txt msgs, and other days…? Other days we were so far from working on it that I wondered if “working on it” would ever again be words out of my mouth. SO I did the only thing I new how. i forced myself out the door and into the sun. Spring was coming and I was single in every sense of the word. I was single and I needed to get back out there.

And then you get used to it, the ying and yang of old emotions mixed with the new. Bit players coming in and out of your life all while your heart continues to beat for someone who cannot let himself feel the same. You get used to new smiles but never forget the old. You learn to laugh again, not just on the face but in the soul. But what I have found, what I continue to find is that I enjoy the hunt, the capture, the kill, but when it comes to the prey touching my heart i quickly turn tail or run. This is how broken Utah has left me, entirely incapable of letting people in. Especially if it is in an attempt to move on.

So he is my un-boyfriend. The person I love even if we are not what you would technically describe as “together” and could not technically describe as “apart”. And in some warped way it works. So what you will read, what you will hear are my stories, as we begin to re define our worlds. One mistake at a time.