Reschedule’s Weblog

Ok, so I know what this looks like, I know this all seems so fast and all seems improbable, but in my life I have always had to allow for the possibility of greatness. This has caused some hard times, leading with your heart instead of your head is always a tricky undertaking, but it also brings great joy and millions upon millions of moments of absolute perfection. It becomes those moments that you hold onto, but eventually, when there is nothing else to add to that jar of memories and trinkets its those moments that begin to slowly fall away.

I cared for Utah, in most ways I still do, but there is a huge difference between responsibility and inability. It is an odd twist of fate that I just happened to meet Camper and we just happened to get so close and he just happened to be leaving. Utah had a choice, he could have stayed, he could have given his life in the states a chance, but in the end he took his contract with DRS and when he said good bye he literally never once looked back. He never turned his head or waved as he descended the escalator. The moment he picked up his bag and headed towards the gate he had mentally closed the door on his entire life here. I remember looking back at his mother and his sister, and they both wore the fatigued look of painful familiarity in their eyes, they were used to being left behind. They were used to saying good bye. They were used to this upended and uncertain future that Utah handed them, and it is these exact things that I have refused to accept. I have traveled the globe. I love new places and meeting new people and the solitude of feeling like you are standing at the edge of a great big world, but I also crave the feel of my roots. I crave my home.

I cannot tell you how Camper and I became so close so quick. While I have dated since Utah and I broke up I have remained guarded and anyone who ever threatened to get too close made me automatically pack up camp and run. I was in control. I said when and where and how much. And then I eventually said no and walked away. Thats how it always was, and for the most part there was safety in that, I never had to worry about getting my heart involved or hurt bcs in my eyes, my heart was already involved, my heart was already hurt. I was already surviving someone.

I dont want to survive someone. “Something” maybe. I can survive a deployment, but that was never it with Utah and I. It was us and every day was something else I was supposed to live through… and yes, I met Camper quickly, and yes… Im crazy about him. My walls fell the second he picked me up for our first date, it was something in the eyes, the way he handled himself, the confidence in which he spoke, the way out of the corner of my eye I would catch him watching me as I spoke while my body was facing away from him. I had slipped off my shoes, my feet were curled around my body, my hair was down around my body and my sunglasses were shading my eyes from giving away too many secrets, the way they tend to do. And I saw him, committing every word to memory and I knew that he was listening not to figure out what to say next but actually listening. And when neither of us had anymore words to say we watched the water and sighed as the sun played games across our skin. I felt like I had known him forever and while I wanted to learn everything there was about him I also never felt hurried. I was actually scared the first time I held his hand, the gesture so casual and yet so intimate. And so I began to fall.

Cartelli once called me a coward for not seeing the greatness in other opportunities, I never took risks in love, and while at the time he was trying to get me to come back to him and leave Utah Ive always wondered if he was right. Am I a coward for giving up the possibility of Utah for the assuringly solid bedrock of Camper? No, I think I would be a coward to follow a fools dream than to face the blaring reality. Maybe I am no better that Utah, whose name is not really that, maybe it was more that I liked the idea of him, he was a boyfriend on paper but a stranger in reality. And when Camper, whose name is not really that, came to me and said he wanted to build something not based on the physical but on the mental, I signed on the dotted line.

I need something I can count on. When Camper walked down that jetway he slowed several times to look back and smile. And I knew I was right. This was fact, not fiction.

Today is the second day he is gone and already I feel stronger. Already I know that this is going to be a quick 6 months. Right now Im smiling bcs already Im planning for him to come home.