Reschedule’s Weblog

I have been sporadically eMailing with Camper all day today, trying to beat the clock, get in as much conversation before he had to get off the computer and head back to doing what he has to be doing. Its a tough knee jerking form of communication but Im just glad to get anything from him!

He has been using available phone lines to call whenever he can so when my cell rang from another number I didnt know I got excited bcs I thought it would be him. It wasnt. It was Utah.

I swear the boy has some sick sense, its like he knows he has lost me so now he txts almost every day, he calls every once in a while and its good to know he is ok but … I could tell he was waiting for me to tell him I love him as I got off the phone but instead I simply told him to feel better, said a cheery good bye and hung up the phone. I looked at the closed and now silent phone for a while after I hung up. Its a mixed bag of emotions, on one hand I feel good to have moved on, but on the other hand Im bitter that I wasted so much time hoping for something I was never going to get. I was angry with myself because I knew it. I knew that he could never give me the things I needed but I pulled the wool over my own eyes. Eventually I got up from the kitchen table and resumed cleaning the house. I suspect Utah was looking at my Facebook page and saw the change in tense. I suspect I was betting on that.