Reschedule’s Weblog

I couldnt sleep last night. I spent part of the night crying at the bar in one of those moments of full disclosure between two friends, and when I got home the words would not leave my head. Some of it was fueled by vodka and part of it, well, most of it was fueled by the conversation I had earlier that day. So there I was laying in bed, not sleeping and when i finally passed out from sheer exhaustion I was wrapped up in teh sweatshirt that still smells like Camper. What kept me awake and what made me cry had nothing to do with missing Camper, it was what my friend had to say abotu clearances and how things that I have had no controll over in life will now affect my current relationship.

I was born outside of this country, raised in a middle eastern country for 2 years before settling into a very comfortable life in a very comfortable area in NY. Im adopted. These are things that a person should be thankful for: to have never had to want for anything, to have been lucky enough to be adopted into a cultured family with strong religious ties in the community, to have a strong heritage. Yet, it is those things that in the end I cant get away from and in the eyes of the gov’t, it is these things that will prevent me from getting serious with Camper bcs of his security clearance. And I have to tell him.

My friend asked me how it felt from the other side. He understood the reasoning from where he stood but when I told him how it felt to be cruely judged for things out of my control, maybe he began to understand. Had I gotten arrested for criminal mischief or possession of a controlled substance, that I could understand. That was something in my life that at one point was in my control, that was a mistake I would have had to accept responsibility for, but being adopted? I got dealt a great hand, and yet because of it I know how happy a person can be, yet Im not allowed to be.

How do you tell someone that becsue you have maintained friendship with various foreign nationals that you are now suspect. You do what your career can handle, I know that, but on fragile footing will he risk everything just for the possibility of happiness? Doubtful. Im sure when I tell him that if we were to ever move forward that he would have to disclose our relationship, he will see the gravity of the situation, and he will most likely go. Yes, Im being negative. I have never seen this situation turn out for the good.