Reschedule’s Weblog

It is interesting having a fight for the first time. The first time you write that person off and then go home and sob your eyes out. The first time you turn that hatred on all night and the first time you feel the soul weaken when you wonder: Can we work this out?

I left him at BOB’s house after a night of Jack Daniels and discovery. BOB had her feet up on the counter, she was crying and my ole man was leaning forward on his chair, beating denials in the air as swiftly as the accusations came, and then he finally said yes. Yes, I did this. It was 3am, I grabbed my purse and walked out, leaving he, his denials, and BOB behind.

An "I Hate You" drink with friends

The fun about being angry is getting reinforcements. My girlfriends surrounded me and my roommate pressed the microwave buttons when my tears blurred my vision. And then there are the bitch sessions, the self doubt, the constant checking in of friends to see if Im ok… The part that sucks are those first few minutes at the end of the day when you are alone, the music in your head is soft and your fingers just ache to dial some familiar buttons. And then you do. You call. Your mind screams at how wrong he was and how right you are to have walked away, but your heart is singing bcs his voice in your ear makes the world ok. You cave. You agree to meet. You dont forget your anger but you allow yourself to yell at him in person. You make him promise. You make rules, no matter how you hate being that girl. You use phrases like “never again”, “fucked up”, “hate you”, to illustrate how serious you are. You will not hesitate another moment. You realize in the coming days that both the people were telling the truth and they were both lying. And you know it is true after he wakes teary eyed on your shoulder bcs he cannot believe he almost lost you. Innocent people are never that sorry, guilty people are. But…

But you know you are making mistakes too, or you might in the future, or you have in the past… you know that someday you miiiiiiiiight need to be forgiven too…

Some days I dont know what is real anymore. Somedays the things that are possible are so insane and its the things that seem plausible are the concepts that are easily disproved. Im trying to learn all these new rules… and Im making mistakes here and there. Its the rubbing raw of a new pair of shoes, trying to make my new life fit into the old one and praying to god that one day the leather will give way and this union will be comfortable and only occasionally frustrating.

Me and My Ole Man

Last night after all the festivities went down I fell asleep next to my ole man and it was heaven. We had a night of disclosure, a night of unbridled laughter and a night of a little too much tequila. I fell asleep in the arms of my love and in the morning he was gone. I will say this, it was the first time between he and I that there was nothing standing between us and our happiness, and that felt damn good. It took soo much pressure off of our shoulders, and it was so nice to look across the bar, lock eyes, grin like fools, and not have to worry who saw what. It was natural, it was the way it should be.

Its been months and much has changed.
I have cut ties to everyone I was dating, the see-saw effect was tiring and honestly I dont think I was enjoying any of it anymore. Eventually I settled back and enjoyed things and for a while all was good. Camper and I decided to not talk again, mainly bcs it was easy for me to walk away and he is the kind of person who when he cuts ties he cuts every single one. He sees no reason to maintain a friendship with an ex, and honestly I cant fault him for that. Every once in a while I will see him online and want to reach out but I turn my attention elsewhere and then he is gone. I met someone and fell into a sort of calm with them that is only disturbed when Utah tries to make one of his now famous comebacks or my ex (who introduced us) comes back into town.

i do feel like sometimes we juggle these things, for days on end Utah was sending gifts (yes, even a disgusting cheesecake) and now my ex is in town making it difficult to see my ole man. They are best friends and while I know that Hoss and I have been over for a while and were over before his friend and I got together, my ole man and I are both concerned about what happens when we finally come clean with our relationship. But, these issues will iron themselves out in time. Utah comes home in a month or so after quitting his job when he realized I was really gone, and well the only thing I really have to say about that is Im not sure it matters what he does at this point. My ole man and I have an amazing relationship, we enjoy our time together and hate being apart and I never have to worry about him leaving me behind to fight wars n far off places. He has done that already. He made a lifetime of it. He retired. He is staying put. For me, there is a vast amount of security in that. Both of us have begun clearing up our lives in an effort to make room for the other and both of us have been very upfront about our shortcomings. I realized the one thing that has stood in the way of every relationship I have had was Utah. Even just the prospect of having him in my life always resided in the back of my head and it lashed out at any roots that tried to grow there. More now than ever I can say that I have removed what I believe to be the last of him from my life, taken down his photos, stowed away what memories I wanted to keep and thrown away the rest. I have deleted all of his txt msgs that I had been saving. They came from loneliness and the knowledge that I was a race he was losing, not real love. At least, none that I ever knew.

The nice thing about a relationship that we are forced to keep at bay is that we are forced to really want to be together if we are going to be. We have multiple doors we can exit out of but thus far nothing we have encountered that is too hard. The happiest times we have together are with friends or on the bike, racing up and down the roads that have become the backdrop to my life out here. Our first date almost never was. He had a hell of a night the night before and managed to sleep all day. I had been waiting and finally after getting pissed off I went out to run some errands and return a few things. I tried to blow it off like it was nothing (his situation at the time was something I completely understood and supported, as is my MO) but he could tell that I was annoyed as this was the second set of plans that had been shot to shit. 20 minutes later I get a txt msg: “Get your gear on, Im taking you to dinner”. And I smiled. A half hour later he was at my house on his Harley and he was carrying a brand new leather riding jacket, which as it would turn out, I needed bcs it was a cold night and we were riding up to the mountains. He took me to a back woods bar where you grilled your own meat and served us hot coffee in glass mugs.

From our first real date

I was overtaken by this feeling of “I belong here” and as he grilled my burger over the hot flames I wrapped my still cold and stiff arms around him and kissed his face. Ever since I cant recall a time in my life where I have laughed so much or felt so secure and protected.

So, what can I say? Im wearing his ring on my middle finger and it never leaves. It seems we are both fighting for the same things and both of us are willing to shoulder the burden of the secrets we are keeping. I feel free to live my life and only when we hit a speed bump do we stop and look at each other. It is then that we know that neither one of us are letting go, and that is an amazing feeling. The only REAL concern I have is that there is a bit of an age difference. People used to refer to me as a cougar bcs everyone I dated was younger than I. Camper was 24, Hoss was 26, Tattoo was 27, The Marine was 22 (good lord…!), even Utah was a year younger than I. But my ole man, he is older. A lot older. Like, I was being born when he was entering the military. ::giggle:: And it is not even a concern, but it is something I know will change things in the future. But thats the future. For now he and I are just having a ball.

Any thought I have ever had about moving back to NY has been thrown away and Im just waiting to see what the next chapter looks like. So far it has been a damn good read.