Reschedule’s Weblog

I dont know why I thought things would change. Its odd, I saw you for 3 weeks, and then we came back to the US together and still, I thought things would change. When did I know things were the same?

The night you left. I knew it when I pulled out of your driveway but for sure it was plastered in black and white on my walls that evening. Maybe something happened, or nothing happened, but my life reverted to the way it was when I left, I did not cry and though I could still smell you on my skin I did not have that… need? for you. I did not wait for your call bcs I knew it would never come. I got a “Morning Sunshine!” txt the next morning and then didnt hear from you again. I was not angry but sad. Had I been angry it would have meant that I felt that you had done something wrong, when in truth I was sad that this was my mistake and mine alone.

I hate the way I let you stand infront of everything, you block out the very sun, and then just when I have written off the very thing I wanted, that is when you turn tail and run. It is frustrating. You are frustrating. THIS is frustrating. This has gone on for far too long, I know this, but Im held prisoner to my inability to make any of the requisite changes. I was happy before I left for Europe. Maybe things were nto perfect but they were at least good. Then I get an eMail from you basically forcing me to come to meet you in Prague or never talk to you again… what was I supposed to do? We both know I would -and did- risk life and limb to come see you. And yet, I almost didnt come. I almost didnt get on that plane. I almost decided to stay here. Yes, in many way that would have been settling, but in some ways comign to see you was a form of settling as well. Damned if you do, damned if you dont.

I wish I knew what the hell was going on but once again Im beginning to let this go. Yes, Im frustrated and a bit sad, but in the end Im ok with it. This has just been one very long and destroying good bye.