Filed under: Uncategorized
…this running into things of yours. I suppose it is why I placed the entirety of our life together in a box and left it on your doorstep. The sad part is that for the most part, it all fit, nice and card boarded. All the cards that came with flowers, all the momentos from before and after you left, all the diced up memories from those times you were gone… it was torture sometimes just to look through it. But I forced myself to, just so I could remember how we got to where we were, and now sometimes I regret letting it all go.
I have one card, the last card, that you sent from Iraq, the one asking for second chances and start overs. That one I didnt mean to keep but now that I have it I want it. I want to remember that there was a time when we were hopeful. When all that lay ahead of us held unlimited possibility. I want to remember you, when you loved me.
I miss you now. I miss us and I know that even our friendship will never be the same. It will come in waves. Some days you are happy to respond to eMails, other days Im simply ignored and brushed aside with all the rest of your inbox. I miss being a priority.
I found out today that a friend of mine died and I wanted so badly to call you and vent, to share that loss with, bcs this was someone who was such a talented artist, someone who I truly looked to for inspiration… and I couldnt. I had to bear that alone, and maybe I should have, maybe I need to not lean on other people for emotional bombs like that, but it is nice to knwo that the one person you have relied on for what seems like a lifetime is still there. But you arent. And while I knw that is my doing I cannot bear that alone forever. It was not just all me. I was not the only person who deal a killing blow. I was just the last. The greatest.
Filed under: Uncategorized
You knew didnt you?
Well, I miss you.
Fucker.
I miss you, fucker
Filed under: "Utah"
Yes, I know I tend to look into things a little deeper than I should.
I know that.
I cant help it.
But when I saw today that after I had changed my profile picture back to the one of me, in the hat, the one that he took in Prague, when life held all that possibility, after I did that he changed his profile picture too. We were sitting in a pub after a day of walking around, after that ravioli made me sick, I was having a Pilsner and he was drinking a cocoa. I took this picture and he now has it on display for all of his friends.
My Love
How can I not read into that? I want it to mean that he is still thinking about it. I want it to mean that he still cares. I want it to mean that he regrets walking away. I know, I know it doesnt, but I want it to regardless.
My brain continues its torture. I woke this morning with my chest aching, my heart pounding, my skin craving. I was dreaming of him again.
In it I was in some kind of market, it was night (already bits of the dream are fading), I had just hugged Puffer and then I heard Utah’s voice behind me. He was walking, speaking with someone, about to pass me, and as I turned to catch a glimpse of him walking by I could hear him say “I didnt plan on seeing her ever again”.
He was with another man, whom I saw first but did not recognize. Both were wearing camo hats and Utah had not shaved in days. He looked at me and then continued walking. I followed him and we might have talked but what I remember was hugging him, he was crying, and later the sense that I was going to lose him all over again. Somehow we were in an airport. I did not have a ticket. He was at teh gate and as I was thinking of ways to sneak through I realized that he was unaware that I could not follow him. In my dream I began to panic and that is when I woke up.
I layed there for a minute, trying to calm my breathing, ease teh pain. I heard a voice outside of my window and it was as if something inside of me stapped: The brain says RUN and the body complies. I dashed out of bed, threw on jeans and ran outside. The sun blinded me and if he had been there at all (which is impossible) I could not see him. I came back inside and retreated to the false safety of my cold dark room.
Today is hte day he is scheduled to leave Colorado and head back to Utah. He, my love who fails to be. He is leaving and I cannot stop dreaming of him. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I should have seen him that one last time to say good bye in person. Maybe I would not feel so haunted by him. Or maybe it would have been worse.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Last night I dreamed of him. He had tattoos on his arms which he would never have in real life, but it was him. They were his arms and I could smell his skin. It was absolutely him and he has been haunting my dreams in ways that he never has before.
I once thought it was strange that I never dreamed about him, but since we parted ways, since we burned the house to the ground and tore down the bridges, he has been everywhere. Its as if my subconscious refuses to forget. He screams from his horner: REMEMBER ME, as if it were possible to not do so.
I returned everything after the last eMails were sent and read before they were deleted. The box, taped shut and left on his door step, contained the stuffed animals, the letters, the cards, the gifts, the momentos, anything and everything that I could find and stuff in there was returned. Maybe someday Ill regret letting go of those last traces of our love, maybe someday I will longingly want to retrace the words, the time, the emotion, but that was a door I had to shut. I could not keep those things around. I even gave him the picture I took of his face while we were lying in bed. Possibly my most favorite picture ever taken. It all was left behind that day.
What more can be said? He loved me and I loved him until the loving became impossible. Through the deployment, through Europe, through our returning to the US. We loved and we loved and we loved, but it was useless. Love itself is never enough, no matter how much I wish it was.
Utah
