Reschedule’s Weblog

Last night I dreamed of him. He had tattoos on his arms which he would never have in real life, but it was him. They were his arms and I could smell his skin. It was absolutely him and he has been haunting my dreams in ways that he never has before.

I once thought it was strange that I never dreamed about him, but since we parted ways, since we burned the house to the ground and tore down the bridges, he has been everywhere. Its as if my subconscious refuses to forget. He screams from his horner: REMEMBER ME, as if it were possible to not do so.

I returned everything after the last eMails were sent and read before they were deleted. The box, taped shut and left on his door step, contained the stuffed animals, the letters, the cards, the gifts, the momentos, anything and everything that I could find and stuff in there was returned. Maybe someday Ill regret letting go of those last traces of our love, maybe someday I will longingly want to retrace the words, the time, the emotion, but that was a door I had to shut. I could not keep those things around. I even gave him the picture I took of his face while we were lying in bed. Possibly my most favorite picture ever taken. It all was left behind that day.

What more can be said? He loved me and I loved him until the loving became impossible. Through the deployment, through Europe, through our returning to the US. We loved and we loved and we loved, but it was useless. Love itself is never enough, no matter how much I wish it was.

Utah