Reschedule’s Weblog

My brain continues its torture. I woke this morning with my chest aching, my heart pounding, my skin craving. I was dreaming of him again.

In it I was in some kind of market, it was night (already bits of the dream are fading), I had just hugged Puffer and then I heard Utah’s voice behind me. He was walking, speaking with someone, about to pass me, and as I turned to catch a glimpse of him walking by I could hear him say “I didnt plan on seeing her ever again”.

He was with another man, whom I saw first but did not recognize. Both were wearing camo hats and Utah had not shaved in days. He looked at me and then continued walking. I followed him and we might have talked but what I remember was hugging him, he was crying, and later the sense that I was going to lose him all over again. Somehow we were in an airport. I did not have a ticket. He was at teh gate and as I was thinking of ways to sneak through I realized that he was unaware that I could not follow him. In my dream I began to panic and that is when I woke up.

I layed there for a minute, trying to calm my breathing, ease teh pain. I heard a voice outside of my window and it was as if something inside of me stapped: The brain says RUN and the body complies. I dashed out of bed, threw on jeans and ran outside. The sun blinded me and if he had been there at all (which is impossible) I could not see him. I came back inside and retreated to the false safety of my cold dark room.

Today is hte day he is scheduled to leave Colorado and head back to Utah. He, my love who fails to be. He is leaving and I cannot stop dreaming of him. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I should have seen him that one last time to say good bye in person. Maybe I would not feel so haunted by him. Or maybe it would have been worse.