Reschedule’s Weblog

…this running into things of yours. I suppose it is why I placed the entirety of our life together in a box and left it on your doorstep. The sad part is that for the most part, it all fit, nice and card boarded. All the cards that came with flowers, all the momentos from before and after you left, all the diced up memories from those times you were gone… it was torture sometimes just to look through it. But I forced myself to, just so I could remember how we got to where we were, and now sometimes I regret letting it all go.

I have one card, the last card, that you sent from Iraq, the one asking for second chances and start overs. That one I didnt mean to keep but now that I have it I want it. I want to remember that there was a time when we were hopeful. When all that lay ahead of us held unlimited possibility. I want to remember you, when you loved me.

I miss you now. I miss us and I know that even our friendship will never be the same. It will come in waves. Some days you are happy to respond to eMails, other days Im simply ignored and brushed aside with all the rest of your inbox. I miss being a priority.

I found out today that a friend of mine died and I wanted so badly to call you and vent, to share that loss with, bcs this was someone who was such a talented artist, someone who I truly looked to for inspiration… and I couldnt. I had to bear that alone, and maybe I should have, maybe I need to not lean on other people for emotional bombs like that, but it is nice to knwo that the one person you have relied on for what seems like a lifetime is still there. But you arent. And while I knw that is my doing I cannot bear that alone forever. It was not just all me. I was not the only person who deal a killing blow. I was just the last. The greatest.