Reschedule’s Weblog

Dear Baby,

This is my first letter to you and I dont know where to begin. In my life I have had so many false starts, so many times that I thought I was heading in the right direction only to realize that no, no that certainly was not where I needed to be. I have faced a lot of demons and walked away from a lot of tragedy with very few scars to show for it. I have been lucky, Baby, I have been so very lucky and you are only adding to that.

To say that I have nothing to regret, well Baby, I have a few things I might have done differently but what if those changed events would have changed YOU? I cannot imagine.

Right now you are nothing more than a pile of rapidly multiplying cells, taking up house somewhere deep and dark inside of me, and I fear for you every minute of the day. I sleep and worry, I wake and worry, I experience a flutter or a bubble or a hiccup and I worry. Please stay where we have placed you till it is time for you to spread your wings. Please.

I love every single tiny molecule of yours that develops every single second.
I cannot believe how much love I have for you.

Be safe,
Mummy

I had an amazing weekend with a dear friend and I cant even begin to explain how needed it was. In Europe I was amazed by the newness of it all and when w ewere done I thought, well there goes all those memories. I thought, there is nothing that will ever be so amazing. I thought, how can I ever be in awe that way again?

And then my friend and I, we crested the mountains and every single worry in my body was drained out and replaced by a still calm that made me breathe more even, more steady. It was good to be reminded that there is pure beauty here, right here in COlorado, and only a few hours away I can be in a different world doing things I have never done before. I stopped being soscared of failure and did it all.

I shot a shot gun for the first time, overcoming a huge fear of the kick back. I was awesome, fearless, leaning into the shot, holding the butt tight to the fleshy bit, and I felt in controll. We were shooting skeet and I actually hit some!! And then we moved onto hand guns. I have shot them before but this tome I was terrified, shaking and when everyone walked away I even cried for an instant. Something about that moved a mountain of emotion in me. I dont know what it was. I was learnign abotu the guns, the functions, and aiming, I had my sight down but I was shaking and a couple of times my friend had to walk up behind me and place his hands on my shoulders, tell me to take a deep breath in and find my sight again. And I did. I sucked it up, tilted my head, slowly let my breath out and shot. And shot. And shot. And shot. And shot.

I drove an ATV by myself (I want one) and then we all took a ride up some trails and I felt the wind in my face and the dust kicking up around me. Its not where you live, its THAT you live, and I want to. I want to LIVE every day. Out in the mountains I laughed till I cried and I was happy to the very core of myself. For the longest time I felt that I was never good enough for you, still now I feel that way (not even bcs of what happened) and I tried so hard to be this thing that you wanted. And that isnt me. Thats not who I ever wanted to be. I want to be me, and who I am, at the center, is someone you never cared to know. I like who I am, even admist all my failures, including the fialure of you, I like who I am. I know who I am and I am sick of being scared.

I pushed back school. I needed to. Part of the choice to go in that direction was bcs of you, and now I needed to make sure it still was fit for me. I came up with this concept, my end game, and my friends and I talked abotu it all weekend. What I want t odo with my degree. How I want to carry it out. The resources available. The possibilities. I was in awe of myself, and it was without you. I have a plan without you. That feels good.