Reschedule’s Weblog

My brain continues its torture. I woke this morning with my chest aching, my heart pounding, my skin craving. I was dreaming of him again.

In it I was in some kind of market, it was night (already bits of the dream are fading), I had just hugged Puffer and then I heard Utah’s voice behind me. He was walking, speaking with someone, about to pass me, and as I turned to catch a glimpse of him walking by I could hear him say “I didnt plan on seeing her ever again”.

He was with another man, whom I saw first but did not recognize. Both were wearing camo hats and Utah had not shaved in days. He looked at me and then continued walking. I followed him and we might have talked but what I remember was hugging him, he was crying, and later the sense that I was going to lose him all over again. Somehow we were in an airport. I did not have a ticket. He was at teh gate and as I was thinking of ways to sneak through I realized that he was unaware that I could not follow him. In my dream I began to panic and that is when I woke up.

I layed there for a minute, trying to calm my breathing, ease teh pain. I heard a voice outside of my window and it was as if something inside of me stapped: The brain says RUN and the body complies. I dashed out of bed, threw on jeans and ran outside. The sun blinded me and if he had been there at all (which is impossible) I could not see him. I came back inside and retreated to the false safety of my cold dark room.

Today is hte day he is scheduled to leave Colorado and head back to Utah. He, my love who fails to be. He is leaving and I cannot stop dreaming of him. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I should have seen him that one last time to say good bye in person. Maybe I would not feel so haunted by him. Or maybe it would have been worse.

I dont know why I thought things would change. Its odd, I saw you for 3 weeks, and then we came back to the US together and still, I thought things would change. When did I know things were the same?

The night you left. I knew it when I pulled out of your driveway but for sure it was plastered in black and white on my walls that evening. Maybe something happened, or nothing happened, but my life reverted to the way it was when I left, I did not cry and though I could still smell you on my skin I did not have that… need? for you. I did not wait for your call bcs I knew it would never come. I got a “Morning Sunshine!” txt the next morning and then didnt hear from you again. I was not angry but sad. Had I been angry it would have meant that I felt that you had done something wrong, when in truth I was sad that this was my mistake and mine alone.

I hate the way I let you stand infront of everything, you block out the very sun, and then just when I have written off the very thing I wanted, that is when you turn tail and run. It is frustrating. You are frustrating. THIS is frustrating. This has gone on for far too long, I know this, but Im held prisoner to my inability to make any of the requisite changes. I was happy before I left for Europe. Maybe things were nto perfect but they were at least good. Then I get an eMail from you basically forcing me to come to meet you in Prague or never talk to you again… what was I supposed to do? We both know I would -and did- risk life and limb to come see you. And yet, I almost didnt come. I almost didnt get on that plane. I almost decided to stay here. Yes, in many way that would have been settling, but in some ways comign to see you was a form of settling as well. Damned if you do, damned if you dont.

I wish I knew what the hell was going on but once again Im beginning to let this go. Yes, Im frustrated and a bit sad, but in the end Im ok with it. This has just been one very long and destroying good bye.

I still smell you on my skin.

You left hours ago, we hugged good bye, standing in the snow I looked into your sometimes blue sometimes green eyes and I smiled. It was cold, we held on not knowing when we would be able to touch again, and you told me you loved me. I told you I loved you. And then we each got in our individual cars, started them up, smiled behind the windscreens, we might have waved once, maybe twice, and then you drove one way and I drove the other. I would have watched you in the rear view mirror but I was having trouble getting up the hill, the snow making it difficult to steer or get traction, and when I glanced back you were gone. Our separation complete. Vacation over.

We had spent the morning tangled in sheets and limbs, you laughed when I told you about this or that and I wanted to commit that sound to memory, I wanted to play it all back later, when I was alone. And then I realized that you were still all over me, the scent of your skin is on my forearm, my shoulder, my tummy. I have been home for hours, needing to shower but Im resisting, how can I wash you away?

I am hating all the plans I have made. I want to curl up around you and fall asleep, but instead I need to get my ass in gear and get back to the life I was living before you, without you, indifferent of the wish and wash of you and I. I have friends to see and smiles to paint on my face, lies to spill around me and laughter to sop it all up with. I have a life without you again and I hate it.

Leaving your house today I worried that somehow we would never be back there, like it was a final chapter or a slight righting of certain wrongs, and I was scared at how easily I have come to let you go. I hate that sometimes I feel like you suck me in just to spit me back out. But then, I tend to do that too. Just not to you. Not yet at least.