Reschedule’s Weblog

Last night I dreamed of you. You sought me out, I saw you on the street, you climbed in my window. In my dream I knew I was pregnant, I showed you my belly and you wrapped your arms around me. There would be moments when you would be gone but you would return, or I would see you, you would hold out a phone and I would run to mine. In the very last seconds of my dream I hugged you, I could feel the strength of your body -really feel it!-  and then I leaned my head on your shoulder, I kissed the fabric covering your skin. I felt something else… something thumping, almost shaking my entire body… you leaned back, you kissed my farhead… but that thumping!… you said to me “We need to stay in controll”….

Finally the thumping woke me up and it was my baby. He was trying to wake me, trying to get my attention, trying to tell me that this dream had to end. He kept me awake all morning. Every time I tried to fall back into the dream, every time I tried to get back to you he would kick and kick and kick until I rubbed my belly to try to calm him down. Even he knows the memories of you can be torture, and he doesnt like it either.

Dear Baby:

Wow! What progress we have made together!!
::sigh:: You are amazing. I got to see your little heart beat and your little arms and legs. You Are Amazing. I was so scared, scared of bad news, bad reactions, bad looks, but everything I got was so positive! You are strong, and moving around, and healthy. I could not ask for anything more.

I spent the past week making multiple trips to Denver. I was visiting friends but I think I was also escaping some things here in the Springs. Sometimes here I miss that feeling of being in the right place at the right time, and every time Im in Denver that is the feeling I get. I got to hug great friends, smell memory invoking scents, drive the same streets that have made my time here what it is. I want to move back. There. I said it. I want to move back. Better schools, none of this right wing agenda that encompasses this entire city, and you will get the best of all worlds. We would be happy you and I. So, Baby, Im thinking about it.

I brought a couple more maternity shirts this week. They showcase you and I cant believe how much Im showing. Im still not woman enough to try to step into those horrific pants with teh elastic panel in the front, but Ill have to at some point. These loose fitting jeans are only gonna work for so long…

Baby, I love you. I cant wait to be your mom. I know that I am going to make a mistake or a million along the way, but I want you to know that there is nothing that I will ever let happen to you. I love you. I love you a million times I love you. And now Im going to have a late night pizza bcs Im starving. I really hope you grow up to love pizza. And the Buckeyes. But we can talk about that later (as long as you never root for the wolverines or marry one, K?).

Dear Baby,

This is my first letter to you and I dont know where to begin. In my life I have had so many false starts, so many times that I thought I was heading in the right direction only to realize that no, no that certainly was not where I needed to be. I have faced a lot of demons and walked away from a lot of tragedy with very few scars to show for it. I have been lucky, Baby, I have been so very lucky and you are only adding to that.

To say that I have nothing to regret, well Baby, I have a few things I might have done differently but what if those changed events would have changed YOU? I cannot imagine.

Right now you are nothing more than a pile of rapidly multiplying cells, taking up house somewhere deep and dark inside of me, and I fear for you every minute of the day. I sleep and worry, I wake and worry, I experience a flutter or a bubble or a hiccup and I worry. Please stay where we have placed you till it is time for you to spread your wings. Please.

I love every single tiny molecule of yours that develops every single second.
I cannot believe how much love I have for you.

Be safe,
Mummy

I had an amazing weekend with a dear friend and I cant even begin to explain how needed it was. In Europe I was amazed by the newness of it all and when w ewere done I thought, well there goes all those memories. I thought, there is nothing that will ever be so amazing. I thought, how can I ever be in awe that way again?

And then my friend and I, we crested the mountains and every single worry in my body was drained out and replaced by a still calm that made me breathe more even, more steady. It was good to be reminded that there is pure beauty here, right here in COlorado, and only a few hours away I can be in a different world doing things I have never done before. I stopped being soscared of failure and did it all.

I shot a shot gun for the first time, overcoming a huge fear of the kick back. I was awesome, fearless, leaning into the shot, holding the butt tight to the fleshy bit, and I felt in controll. We were shooting skeet and I actually hit some!! And then we moved onto hand guns. I have shot them before but this tome I was terrified, shaking and when everyone walked away I even cried for an instant. Something about that moved a mountain of emotion in me. I dont know what it was. I was learnign abotu the guns, the functions, and aiming, I had my sight down but I was shaking and a couple of times my friend had to walk up behind me and place his hands on my shoulders, tell me to take a deep breath in and find my sight again. And I did. I sucked it up, tilted my head, slowly let my breath out and shot. And shot. And shot. And shot. And shot.

I drove an ATV by myself (I want one) and then we all took a ride up some trails and I felt the wind in my face and the dust kicking up around me. Its not where you live, its THAT you live, and I want to. I want to LIVE every day. Out in the mountains I laughed till I cried and I was happy to the very core of myself. For the longest time I felt that I was never good enough for you, still now I feel that way (not even bcs of what happened) and I tried so hard to be this thing that you wanted. And that isnt me. Thats not who I ever wanted to be. I want to be me, and who I am, at the center, is someone you never cared to know. I like who I am, even admist all my failures, including the fialure of you, I like who I am. I know who I am and I am sick of being scared.

I pushed back school. I needed to. Part of the choice to go in that direction was bcs of you, and now I needed to make sure it still was fit for me. I came up with this concept, my end game, and my friends and I talked abotu it all weekend. What I want t odo with my degree. How I want to carry it out. The resources available. The possibilities. I was in awe of myself, and it was without you. I have a plan without you. That feels good.

…this running into things of yours. I suppose it is why I placed the entirety of our life together in a box and left it on your doorstep. The sad part is that for the most part, it all fit, nice and card boarded. All the cards that came with flowers, all the momentos from before and after you left, all the diced up memories from those times you were gone… it was torture sometimes just to look through it. But I forced myself to, just so I could remember how we got to where we were, and now sometimes I regret letting it all go.

I have one card, the last card, that you sent from Iraq, the one asking for second chances and start overs. That one I didnt mean to keep but now that I have it I want it. I want to remember that there was a time when we were hopeful. When all that lay ahead of us held unlimited possibility. I want to remember you, when you loved me.

I miss you now. I miss us and I know that even our friendship will never be the same. It will come in waves. Some days you are happy to respond to eMails, other days Im simply ignored and brushed aside with all the rest of your inbox. I miss being a priority.

I found out today that a friend of mine died and I wanted so badly to call you and vent, to share that loss with, bcs this was someone who was such a talented artist, someone who I truly looked to for inspiration… and I couldnt. I had to bear that alone, and maybe I should have, maybe I need to not lean on other people for emotional bombs like that, but it is nice to knwo that the one person you have relied on for what seems like a lifetime is still there. But you arent. And while I knw that is my doing I cannot bear that alone forever. It was not just all me. I was not the only person who deal a killing blow. I was just the last. The greatest.

Well played my friend!!

You knew didnt you?

Well, I miss you.

Fucker.

I miss you, fucker

Last night I dreamed of him. He had tattoos on his arms which he would never have in real life, but it was him. They were his arms and I could smell his skin. It was absolutely him and he has been haunting my dreams in ways that he never has before.

I once thought it was strange that I never dreamed about him, but since we parted ways, since we burned the house to the ground and tore down the bridges, he has been everywhere. Its as if my subconscious refuses to forget. He screams from his horner: REMEMBER ME, as if it were possible to not do so.

I returned everything after the last eMails were sent and read before they were deleted. The box, taped shut and left on his door step, contained the stuffed animals, the letters, the cards, the gifts, the momentos, anything and everything that I could find and stuff in there was returned. Maybe someday Ill regret letting go of those last traces of our love, maybe someday I will longingly want to retrace the words, the time, the emotion, but that was a door I had to shut. I could not keep those things around. I even gave him the picture I took of his face while we were lying in bed. Possibly my most favorite picture ever taken. It all was left behind that day.

What more can be said? He loved me and I loved him until the loving became impossible. Through the deployment, through Europe, through our returning to the US. We loved and we loved and we loved, but it was useless. Love itself is never enough, no matter how much I wish it was.

Utah

Looking at things that remind me of you, it hurts.

I cant stop my heart from hurting. I miss you. I had you and then you left again and now I miss you and every day that you are gone I feel us slipping away from eachother, making cosmic distance, and I cannot stop it from happening.

It is interesting having a fight for the first time. The first time you write that person off and then go home and sob your eyes out. The first time you turn that hatred on all night and the first time you feel the soul weaken when you wonder: Can we work this out?

I left him at BOB’s house after a night of Jack Daniels and discovery. BOB had her feet up on the counter, she was crying and my ole man was leaning forward on his chair, beating denials in the air as swiftly as the accusations came, and then he finally said yes. Yes, I did this. It was 3am, I grabbed my purse and walked out, leaving he, his denials, and BOB behind.

An "I Hate You" drink with friends

The fun about being angry is getting reinforcements. My girlfriends surrounded me and my roommate pressed the microwave buttons when my tears blurred my vision. And then there are the bitch sessions, the self doubt, the constant checking in of friends to see if Im ok… The part that sucks are those first few minutes at the end of the day when you are alone, the music in your head is soft and your fingers just ache to dial some familiar buttons. And then you do. You call. Your mind screams at how wrong he was and how right you are to have walked away, but your heart is singing bcs his voice in your ear makes the world ok. You cave. You agree to meet. You dont forget your anger but you allow yourself to yell at him in person. You make him promise. You make rules, no matter how you hate being that girl. You use phrases like “never again”, “fucked up”, “hate you”, to illustrate how serious you are. You will not hesitate another moment. You realize in the coming days that both the people were telling the truth and they were both lying. And you know it is true after he wakes teary eyed on your shoulder bcs he cannot believe he almost lost you. Innocent people are never that sorry, guilty people are. But…

But you know you are making mistakes too, or you might in the future, or you have in the past… you know that someday you miiiiiiiiight need to be forgiven too…