Filed under: "Utah"
Yes, I know I tend to look into things a little deeper than I should.
I know that.
I cant help it.
But when I saw today that after I had changed my profile picture back to the one of me, in the hat, the one that he took in Prague, when life held all that possibility, after I did that he changed his profile picture too. We were sitting in a pub after a day of walking around, after that ravioli made me sick, I was having a Pilsner and he was drinking a cocoa. I took this picture and he now has it on display for all of his friends.
My Love
How can I not read into that? I want it to mean that he is still thinking about it. I want it to mean that he still cares. I want it to mean that he regrets walking away. I know, I know it doesnt, but I want it to regardless.
My brain continues its torture. I woke this morning with my chest aching, my heart pounding, my skin craving. I was dreaming of him again.
In it I was in some kind of market, it was night (already bits of the dream are fading), I had just hugged Puffer and then I heard Utah’s voice behind me. He was walking, speaking with someone, about to pass me, and as I turned to catch a glimpse of him walking by I could hear him say “I didnt plan on seeing her ever again”.
He was with another man, whom I saw first but did not recognize. Both were wearing camo hats and Utah had not shaved in days. He looked at me and then continued walking. I followed him and we might have talked but what I remember was hugging him, he was crying, and later the sense that I was going to lose him all over again. Somehow we were in an airport. I did not have a ticket. He was at teh gate and as I was thinking of ways to sneak through I realized that he was unaware that I could not follow him. In my dream I began to panic and that is when I woke up.
I layed there for a minute, trying to calm my breathing, ease teh pain. I heard a voice outside of my window and it was as if something inside of me stapped: The brain says RUN and the body complies. I dashed out of bed, threw on jeans and ran outside. The sun blinded me and if he had been there at all (which is impossible) I could not see him. I came back inside and retreated to the false safety of my cold dark room.
Today is hte day he is scheduled to leave Colorado and head back to Utah. He, my love who fails to be. He is leaving and I cannot stop dreaming of him. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I should have seen him that one last time to say good bye in person. Maybe I would not feel so haunted by him. Or maybe it would have been worse.
I dont know why I thought things would change. Its odd, I saw you for 3 weeks, and then we came back to the US together and still, I thought things would change. When did I know things were the same?
The night you left. I knew it when I pulled out of your driveway but for sure it was plastered in black and white on my walls that evening. Maybe something happened, or nothing happened, but my life reverted to the way it was when I left, I did not cry and though I could still smell you on my skin I did not have that… need? for you. I did not wait for your call bcs I knew it would never come. I got a “Morning Sunshine!” txt the next morning and then didnt hear from you again. I was not angry but sad. Had I been angry it would have meant that I felt that you had done something wrong, when in truth I was sad that this was my mistake and mine alone.
I hate the way I let you stand infront of everything, you block out the very sun, and then just when I have written off the very thing I wanted, that is when you turn tail and run. It is frustrating. You are frustrating. THIS is frustrating. This has gone on for far too long, I know this, but Im held prisoner to my inability to make any of the requisite changes. I was happy before I left for Europe. Maybe things were nto perfect but they were at least good. Then I get an eMail from you basically forcing me to come to meet you in Prague or never talk to you again… what was I supposed to do? We both know I would -and did- risk life and limb to come see you. And yet, I almost didnt come. I almost didnt get on that plane. I almost decided to stay here. Yes, in many way that would have been settling, but in some ways comign to see you was a form of settling as well. Damned if you do, damned if you dont.
I wish I knew what the hell was going on but once again Im beginning to let this go. Yes, Im frustrated and a bit sad, but in the end Im ok with it. This has just been one very long and destroying good bye.
I still smell you on my skin.
You left hours ago, we hugged good bye, standing in the snow I looked into your sometimes blue sometimes green eyes and I smiled. It was cold, we held on not knowing when we would be able to touch again, and you told me you loved me. I told you I loved you. And then we each got in our individual cars, started them up, smiled behind the windscreens, we might have waved once, maybe twice, and then you drove one way and I drove the other. I would have watched you in the rear view mirror but I was having trouble getting up the hill, the snow making it difficult to steer or get traction, and when I glanced back you were gone. Our separation complete. Vacation over.
We had spent the morning tangled in sheets and limbs, you laughed when I told you about this or that and I wanted to commit that sound to memory, I wanted to play it all back later, when I was alone. And then I realized that you were still all over me, the scent of your skin is on my forearm, my shoulder, my tummy. I have been home for hours, needing to shower but Im resisting, how can I wash you away?
I am hating all the plans I have made. I want to curl up around you and fall asleep, but instead I need to get my ass in gear and get back to the life I was living before you, without you, indifferent of the wish and wash of you and I. I have friends to see and smiles to paint on my face, lies to spill around me and laughter to sop it all up with. I have a life without you again and I hate it.
Leaving your house today I worried that somehow we would never be back there, like it was a final chapter or a slight righting of certain wrongs, and I was scared at how easily I have come to let you go. I hate that sometimes I feel like you suck me in just to spit me back out. But then, I tend to do that too. Just not to you. Not yet at least.
It has been forever since I smelled skin like that.
I had changed clothes after stepping off the plane, messed one last time with my hair and walked through the terminal doors. What brought me to be there, in a foreign country, it was a tense situation. Gauntlets thrown, a choice of reaching back to something that I once needed so desperately or pulling away and heading towards something unknown, something that was safe and comfortable. I was way too far from home, in need of a shower, and walking my gigantic bag towards Utah.
I made excuses to leave, after weeks of the YES/NO sea-sawing I put my foot down, I was risking it. I was throwing caution to the wind and leaving. And there he was to meet me at the airport, my ex, the pain I have had to survive, the light of my life, the love I lost, the anger I let get the best of me. There he was in his jacket and smile, and I, like a child, walked towards his open arms and was lost.
We both needed to know, we were both standing in the way of everything else, even if we didnt intend to be. Sure, there would always be unfinished emotions between us, but could we make it? The grand gesture was nice but what came before it… well, what came before it was a grotesque show of just how cruel a person could be. And I suppose that was what did it. All the eMailing came to a head and I said NO, I was done, I needed to never hear from him again, I had reached my end; finally. All i had done was lay my cards out on the table, I had told him that I could not go along with his plans. I had been so scared to tell him what I was feelign and the second I did he lashed out, told me things that I didnt need to know, and I thanked him. I had been wondering just when I was going to reach my end and I was so glad he had cleared that up for me. Communication ended. Or, so I thought.
I get an eMail containing directions, ticket numbers, a wire of a thousand dollars, all to be used at my discretion. I could go and meet him in Prague, or not. It was “come to me or fuck off” and that is what I wrestled with for weeks. To go or not. On one hand he was a prick, he broke me over and over again, I never knew quite where I stood with him and invariably wherever I decided I wanted to be was wrong. On the other hand, he had quit his job in Iraq after my last eMail, he was coming home, we loved each other, no matter the pain we have always loved. ::sigh:: So, I got my passport and still I wrestled. Id like to say that my ole’ man was a huge consideration but he was not, this thing proving once again to be bigger than anything it comes into contact with, and that is why I was in a car, zipping through side streets, looking in eyes that I once held with reverence and I was confidant. I was, for a while at least.
The problem with all consuming love is that it destroys all around it and one must adjust to life living in an inferno. One must also learn to hold ones breath for an ungodly amount of time just to survive. That first night in the flat in the middle of Old Town, I held all the cards. I was all kings and queens and jacks, aces and spades and even an Old Maid thrown in for good measure. He shed tears after we kissed the first time, he held onto me the way one clings to a dying dream, and I ate up every last second of it. Vindication. You asshole, this is what you could have lost.
Sinners
We had lazy days of wandering the city, conversations that were painful, long moments of silence that seemed to tear the very soul out of my chest, but in between that we allowed our self to enjoy each others company, we held hands, we kissed, we closed our eyes at the mere touch of the others hand. This is what we could have lost. So we extended teh travel plans. What was supposed to be 6 days of soul searching turned out to be an entire month of country hopping. It could have gone wrong at any moment I suppose, there were vital seconds where it could have taken a dive but we stepped away from the ledge and headed the other way. We cried in each others arms and we laughed the night away in tiny hotel rooms. I have my best friend back. Every day I was more and more thankful for that but as the nights faded to day I began giving away my cards, slowly, unknowingly. Suddenly I had nothing, I was bare and feeling insecure again. I needed a reality check so once we reached Germany I grabbed the phone and called a friend who I grew up with. I had spent weeks talking to no one but Utah and sitting in the hallway of a friends house whispering angry words into her VoIP phone I began to slowly feel like myself again. Later that night the boys went go cart riding and Liz and I headed out to walk around, eventually finding ourselves at a dimly lit Italian restaurant where we shared a bottle of wine and bared the darkest parts of our hearts.
The last few days in Germany were slow and sad. Reality was seeping back in and we were making plans to head back to teh States. He would kiss my face in the morning, run his hands through my hair and blink at me. And so Tuesday we said our goodbyes at the airport and rushed to make the last flights. We made it, back to the US, back to the car rental place, back to the front door of his house in Denver, … and then I paused. THis was the last place we were together before he deployed. This is the house that caused so much pain right after he left and strained every relationship I had back then. This house brought that all back. But it was late, too late to be worrying abotu such things, so we tip-toed through the hallways and crawled into the bed that began it all, and there we made love before falling into a deep sleep.
I have not told my soon-to-be-not ole’ man that Im back in the States, selfishly Im avoiding any confrontation until Utah flys back to his family’s house tomorrow. On this trip I have done a lot of thinking about what I want and what I dont. I want to re-marry. I want kids. I dont want to be with someone who smokes. I dont want to be with someone who drinks all the friggin time. I want to settle down and not live in a party day in and day out. I want a real life. I dont want to be someones everything. I want to be someones someone.
It is snowing out and Im missing Utah, who is at the post office. Im missing the scent of his skin and the touch of his lips. I suppose it should be no surprise that this comes back around. I suppose it has been no surprise to find that it never really left.
Filed under: "Utah", Bad Day, Camper, Deployment | Tags: Annoyed, Deployment
SO, I realize that I havent written in a while… and maybe its bcs I havent had anything to write about. Seriously. I get up every day and IM with Camper for hours, and then I get a letter or two from him, and then he calls and I get to spend an hour trying to come up with things to say. Maybe… maybe I was a horrible person but when the shit hit the fan I took the first door I could and exited stage left. Ok, the fact was that he was paranoid, needy and somewhat creepy, but thats not it… oh wait, that was ENTIRELY it!!
On hte other hand, I had been keeping in touch with Utah, and as if on cue, the second he heard about Camper and I getting together he threw a hissy fit and … then when he found out that we had parted ways he eventually admitted that while visiting his friend in Kuwait he gave her the special working over. And then told me that he wants to marry me. Still.
::sigh:: You have got to be kidding me. Why cant I have a normal relationship with someone who is actually in the UNITED STATES???? I mean crap!
Filed under: "Utah", Deployment, Good Day | Tags: "Utah", Deployment, Good Day, Marbles, MSSN
I have decided that Im adding two new categories to this Blog: Good Day and Bad Day. The truth is that I feel like my life these days either falls in one direction or the other. Yesterday: Bad Day. Today: Good Day. See what I mean?
I have also decided that Im going to get back on the MSSN boards. Somedays I feel so intolerably alone and its not that I dont have friends, and its not that Im not surrounded by people, its that no one can relate to the pain Im feeling. It is not like a break up and it is not like a divorce, it is a deployment and while I cant point out or quantify the differences, I know they are there the same way anyone else in this situation knows they are there. I found MSSN (Military Spouse Support Network) a month before Utah deployed and during that time and the time right after he was gone, I dont know if I could have survived the lows without those girls. Every time I had a question, a concern, a fear, they were all there with support and suggestions and love. It was priceless. I guess I just miss having the camaraderie. I miss not being alone in this.
And I guess I made one other decision. I love what I do. I love working in Aerospace but I also love working with the animals at the ASPCA. So Im going to try to get a job doing both and whichever industry I land in first is going to be the one I stick with. No regrets. No second guessing.
Last night I dreamed of waves. There was a group pf people, I asked someone for help and it saved a life, and it thwarted robbers and solved a murder. But mostly what I remember are the waves in the darkness and the supposed feel of water on my skin.
These days life feels like waves. Some are big and splash about my ankles but some are big fast and relenting. I have days like yesterday when everything is fine, Im fine, love is fine, my heart is fine. AND then there are nights like tonight when nothing resembles fine. Nothing feels ok.
And this is the problem. Right now I miss him so much. Its not that there is ever a second when I fail to miss him, but there are times when it is not so painful. But right now when Im home alone and mentally preparing for my day tomorrow I feel more lonely than I have in my life. This pain just keeps upping the anty.
Utah has been gone for 9 months. N I N E months. And I push people away every day bcs Im terrified of being close to them, bcs Im already suffering through this loss, and Im so damn tired of watching people walking away.
Filed under: "Utah", Deployment, Uncategorized | Tags: "Utah", Deployment, Marbles, Missing
aaaah, Saturday night and Im home with the roommate and watching the UFC fights. It has been a crazy week with Utah leaving for vacation and me getting all pissy about my birthday. I wanted to write about it then but I needed a couple of days to process. It turns out that Utah did attempt to contact me on my birthday but the networks were down and when I finally did get to talk to him the next day he was in transit, temporarily in a tent city and could not tell me where he was. This is the annoying part of loving someone who is deployed, here I am being all pissy but I have no way of knowing what he is going through or where he is at, and when I eventually do find out I feel like an absolute jerk. But I know that he knew I was bummed about it bcs he actually called me the next day as I was on my way to the gym and we managed to stay on the phone for an hour just talking about things: his family, my family, the weather, my new gym membership, the roommate situation, anything and everything to avoid actually talking about “us”. But maybe we dont need to, maybe we can just step back, enjoy the calm every day feel of laughing together without the stress of everything else weighing on us. When we were getting off the phone I told him that I loved him and then immediately regretted it, i forget the crushing feeling that is always the result from his hesitation to respond. We say it in every other txt msg. We say it in every eMail. But when we are on the phone it is more personal, it is real time, it is honest, and every nano second of silence that goes between us before he responds just reminds me how much damage we have done to each other.
What came after has been days of rapid fire txt msgs professing his intentions and me trying not to commit every single word to memory, which is a hard thing to do. He says: I miss you in my arms. He says: You belong here. He says: I love you so very deeply. He says: You are precious Helena, and I love you. He says he says he says, but when it comes to actually speaking the words his telling silence belies his stated intentions. And so dance some more.
Wednesday I was up in Denver for traffic court and decided that after I deserved a Caipirinha for all my troubles, so I stopped into CubaCuba. Maybe it was a bad idea. Maybe it was something I shouldnt have done but I was feeling good and so when I checked my gMail from my phone and saw a msg from Aran, maybe it was the Caipirinha talking but I invited him out. Aran is the man I dated right before I began dating Utah. We were well suited in so many ways but when it came down to it Aran wore down my patience and right around that time Utah stepped in, and just like that I knew that I wanted something more than Aran was ever able to give. And then he walked into CubaCuba and if I have ever had any doubts they were dashed.
In all honesty, it was good to see Aran. Sure, there was still an undercurrent of resentment, but we were careful to stay clear of most topics and just went over the past handful of months. THere was a huge swelling of pride on my part when I began to tell him about Utah but when I sensed a pang of hurt in Aran’s face I moved onto another topic. Maybe I shouldnt have but I told him the moment that things flipped for me and Aran took it in stride. I needed him to know where it went wrong and why I had ended it with him. After that we moved on to The Cruise Room where I had another drink or two and then left. The next morning I woke up at 5am to head back down to the Springs and the world moved forward with me.
So after a long week I know some things. I know that I miss Denver a lot and once I am done with my bad girl classes down here I plan to move back. I know that while it was nice to sit and talk with Aran, I have to be very careful not to give him the wrong impression. I know that while Utah and I may bear the scars of time that most relationships weather, there is a lot of love. I know that I need to learn to just let things unfold as they will and stop trying to place labels on everything. I know some things defy description. I know that life is strange but it has an amazing kind of logic that is undeniable. I know that I miss him. And I know that he misses me too. ::shrug:: Sometimes that is all that matters.
Filed under: "Utah", Deployment | Tags: "Utah", Deployment, eMail, Jack Ass, Jerk, Leaving, Marbles, Selfish
I got it last night, after my friend left, after we decided to turn on the AC, after the house began to cool off from the heat of the day. I got it last night and as I have been with most of your communication: I was pissed. Days before my birthday and its like you are doing everything in your power to destroy me. And the sad thing is that you dont even recognize it.
I sat down and read it, this eMail from my love, and he asks me to come over and work with him in Qatar. Qatar?! He is in Iraq now and all I can think about is him coming home, and instead he basically tells me that he wants to go work in Qatar after Iraq. And then I went to bed as I do most nights, crying.
It occurs to me that I have been avoiding the truths of things. In relationships and in love we ignore all the flags, we see the past and we refuse to believe that this can be the future. When I met Utah he was back in the US for maybe a year. Our courtship was intense, passionate, unworldly, quick. Three moths alter he was in the truck heading to the airport, he was getting his tickets, he was walking away and as he promised, he never looked back. But Im skipping ahead.
Utah has been contracting for years, he has been in places Ive never been and places I’ll never know about. He has never stayed -anywhere- and I suppose that I was foolish to think that he ever would. In the back of my head I never really thought that he would leave. I was supportive when he began to talk about taking a contract in Qatar and then eventually he settled on a contract in Baghdad and I never wavered, my flawed logic thinking that if I was supportive then he would realize this amazing thing that he is leaving,… and he would stay. You can see the idiocy in it, cant you? Yeah, me too. But I stood by him bcs just being there was a form of holding on to every last second. And I tried. but what I didnt realize was how much he looked forward to leaving, and it begs the question, would he ever really be able to stay?
Utah’s legacy this far, in this situation, has been one of confusion. He says one thing but acts another. He is conflicted between what he wants and what he needs. Those two I doubt will ever meet, but there I am trying to bridge the gap regardless, in the vague hope that it might matter. And then I hear about Qatar, even if this is nothing but a fleeting thought and I have to face the fact that he might never come home. Not because he is dead, but because something out there is more alluring than the things he has waiting for him here. And that my friends, that is a bitter pill to swallow.
