Filed under: Uncategorized
Looking at things that remind me of you, it hurts.
I cant stop my heart from hurting. I miss you. I had you and then you left again and now I miss you and every day that you are gone I feel us slipping away from eachother, making cosmic distance, and I cannot stop it from happening.
I dont know why I thought things would change. Its odd, I saw you for 3 weeks, and then we came back to the US together and still, I thought things would change. When did I know things were the same?
The night you left. I knew it when I pulled out of your driveway but for sure it was plastered in black and white on my walls that evening. Maybe something happened, or nothing happened, but my life reverted to the way it was when I left, I did not cry and though I could still smell you on my skin I did not have that… need? for you. I did not wait for your call bcs I knew it would never come. I got a “Morning Sunshine!” txt the next morning and then didnt hear from you again. I was not angry but sad. Had I been angry it would have meant that I felt that you had done something wrong, when in truth I was sad that this was my mistake and mine alone.
I hate the way I let you stand infront of everything, you block out the very sun, and then just when I have written off the very thing I wanted, that is when you turn tail and run. It is frustrating. You are frustrating. THIS is frustrating. This has gone on for far too long, I know this, but Im held prisoner to my inability to make any of the requisite changes. I was happy before I left for Europe. Maybe things were nto perfect but they were at least good. Then I get an eMail from you basically forcing me to come to meet you in Prague or never talk to you again… what was I supposed to do? We both know I would -and did- risk life and limb to come see you. And yet, I almost didnt come. I almost didnt get on that plane. I almost decided to stay here. Yes, in many way that would have been settling, but in some ways comign to see you was a form of settling as well. Damned if you do, damned if you dont.
I wish I knew what the hell was going on but once again Im beginning to let this go. Yes, Im frustrated and a bit sad, but in the end Im ok with it. This has just been one very long and destroying good bye.
I still smell you on my skin.
You left hours ago, we hugged good bye, standing in the snow I looked into your sometimes blue sometimes green eyes and I smiled. It was cold, we held on not knowing when we would be able to touch again, and you told me you loved me. I told you I loved you. And then we each got in our individual cars, started them up, smiled behind the windscreens, we might have waved once, maybe twice, and then you drove one way and I drove the other. I would have watched you in the rear view mirror but I was having trouble getting up the hill, the snow making it difficult to steer or get traction, and when I glanced back you were gone. Our separation complete. Vacation over.
We had spent the morning tangled in sheets and limbs, you laughed when I told you about this or that and I wanted to commit that sound to memory, I wanted to play it all back later, when I was alone. And then I realized that you were still all over me, the scent of your skin is on my forearm, my shoulder, my tummy. I have been home for hours, needing to shower but Im resisting, how can I wash you away?
I am hating all the plans I have made. I want to curl up around you and fall asleep, but instead I need to get my ass in gear and get back to the life I was living before you, without you, indifferent of the wish and wash of you and I. I have friends to see and smiles to paint on my face, lies to spill around me and laughter to sop it all up with. I have a life without you again and I hate it.
Leaving your house today I worried that somehow we would never be back there, like it was a final chapter or a slight righting of certain wrongs, and I was scared at how easily I have come to let you go. I hate that sometimes I feel like you suck me in just to spit me back out. But then, I tend to do that too. Just not to you. Not yet at least.
It has been forever since I smelled skin like that.
I had changed clothes after stepping off the plane, messed one last time with my hair and walked through the terminal doors. What brought me to be there, in a foreign country, it was a tense situation. Gauntlets thrown, a choice of reaching back to something that I once needed so desperately or pulling away and heading towards something unknown, something that was safe and comfortable. I was way too far from home, in need of a shower, and walking my gigantic bag towards Utah.
I made excuses to leave, after weeks of the YES/NO sea-sawing I put my foot down, I was risking it. I was throwing caution to the wind and leaving. And there he was to meet me at the airport, my ex, the pain I have had to survive, the light of my life, the love I lost, the anger I let get the best of me. There he was in his jacket and smile, and I, like a child, walked towards his open arms and was lost.
We both needed to know, we were both standing in the way of everything else, even if we didnt intend to be. Sure, there would always be unfinished emotions between us, but could we make it? The grand gesture was nice but what came before it… well, what came before it was a grotesque show of just how cruel a person could be. And I suppose that was what did it. All the eMailing came to a head and I said NO, I was done, I needed to never hear from him again, I had reached my end; finally. All i had done was lay my cards out on the table, I had told him that I could not go along with his plans. I had been so scared to tell him what I was feelign and the second I did he lashed out, told me things that I didnt need to know, and I thanked him. I had been wondering just when I was going to reach my end and I was so glad he had cleared that up for me. Communication ended. Or, so I thought.
I get an eMail containing directions, ticket numbers, a wire of a thousand dollars, all to be used at my discretion. I could go and meet him in Prague, or not. It was “come to me or fuck off” and that is what I wrestled with for weeks. To go or not. On one hand he was a prick, he broke me over and over again, I never knew quite where I stood with him and invariably wherever I decided I wanted to be was wrong. On the other hand, he had quit his job in Iraq after my last eMail, he was coming home, we loved each other, no matter the pain we have always loved. ::sigh:: So, I got my passport and still I wrestled. Id like to say that my ole’ man was a huge consideration but he was not, this thing proving once again to be bigger than anything it comes into contact with, and that is why I was in a car, zipping through side streets, looking in eyes that I once held with reverence and I was confidant. I was, for a while at least.
The problem with all consuming love is that it destroys all around it and one must adjust to life living in an inferno. One must also learn to hold ones breath for an ungodly amount of time just to survive. That first night in the flat in the middle of Old Town, I held all the cards. I was all kings and queens and jacks, aces and spades and even an Old Maid thrown in for good measure. He shed tears after we kissed the first time, he held onto me the way one clings to a dying dream, and I ate up every last second of it. Vindication. You asshole, this is what you could have lost.
Sinners
We had lazy days of wandering the city, conversations that were painful, long moments of silence that seemed to tear the very soul out of my chest, but in between that we allowed our self to enjoy each others company, we held hands, we kissed, we closed our eyes at the mere touch of the others hand. This is what we could have lost. So we extended teh travel plans. What was supposed to be 6 days of soul searching turned out to be an entire month of country hopping. It could have gone wrong at any moment I suppose, there were vital seconds where it could have taken a dive but we stepped away from the ledge and headed the other way. We cried in each others arms and we laughed the night away in tiny hotel rooms. I have my best friend back. Every day I was more and more thankful for that but as the nights faded to day I began giving away my cards, slowly, unknowingly. Suddenly I had nothing, I was bare and feeling insecure again. I needed a reality check so once we reached Germany I grabbed the phone and called a friend who I grew up with. I had spent weeks talking to no one but Utah and sitting in the hallway of a friends house whispering angry words into her VoIP phone I began to slowly feel like myself again. Later that night the boys went go cart riding and Liz and I headed out to walk around, eventually finding ourselves at a dimly lit Italian restaurant where we shared a bottle of wine and bared the darkest parts of our hearts.
The last few days in Germany were slow and sad. Reality was seeping back in and we were making plans to head back to teh States. He would kiss my face in the morning, run his hands through my hair and blink at me. And so Tuesday we said our goodbyes at the airport and rushed to make the last flights. We made it, back to the US, back to the car rental place, back to the front door of his house in Denver, … and then I paused. THis was the last place we were together before he deployed. This is the house that caused so much pain right after he left and strained every relationship I had back then. This house brought that all back. But it was late, too late to be worrying abotu such things, so we tip-toed through the hallways and crawled into the bed that began it all, and there we made love before falling into a deep sleep.
I have not told my soon-to-be-not ole’ man that Im back in the States, selfishly Im avoiding any confrontation until Utah flys back to his family’s house tomorrow. On this trip I have done a lot of thinking about what I want and what I dont. I want to re-marry. I want kids. I dont want to be with someone who smokes. I dont want to be with someone who drinks all the friggin time. I want to settle down and not live in a party day in and day out. I want a real life. I dont want to be someones everything. I want to be someones someone.
It is snowing out and Im missing Utah, who is at the post office. Im missing the scent of his skin and the touch of his lips. I suppose it should be no surprise that this comes back around. I suppose it has been no surprise to find that it never really left.
Filed under: Uncategorized
It is interesting having a fight for the first time. The first time you write that person off and then go home and sob your eyes out. The first time you turn that hatred on all night and the first time you feel the soul weaken when you wonder: Can we work this out?
I left him at BOB’s house after a night of Jack Daniels and discovery. BOB had her feet up on the counter, she was crying and my ole man was leaning forward on his chair, beating denials in the air as swiftly as the accusations came, and then he finally said yes. Yes, I did this. It was 3am, I grabbed my purse and walked out, leaving he, his denials, and BOB behind.
An "I Hate You" drink with friends
The fun about being angry is getting reinforcements. My girlfriends surrounded me and my roommate pressed the microwave buttons when my tears blurred my vision. And then there are the bitch sessions, the self doubt, the constant checking in of friends to see if Im ok… The part that sucks are those first few minutes at the end of the day when you are alone, the music in your head is soft and your fingers just ache to dial some familiar buttons. And then you do. You call. Your mind screams at how wrong he was and how right you are to have walked away, but your heart is singing bcs his voice in your ear makes the world ok. You cave. You agree to meet. You dont forget your anger but you allow yourself to yell at him in person. You make him promise. You make rules, no matter how you hate being that girl. You use phrases like “never again”, “fucked up”, “hate you”, to illustrate how serious you are. You will not hesitate another moment. You realize in the coming days that both the people were telling the truth and they were both lying. And you know it is true after he wakes teary eyed on your shoulder bcs he cannot believe he almost lost you. Innocent people are never that sorry, guilty people are. But…
But you know you are making mistakes too, or you might in the future, or you have in the past… you know that someday you miiiiiiiiight need to be forgiven too…
Filed under: Uncategorized
Some days I dont know what is real anymore. Somedays the things that are possible are so insane and its the things that seem plausible are the concepts that are easily disproved. Im trying to learn all these new rules… and Im making mistakes here and there. Its the rubbing raw of a new pair of shoes, trying to make my new life fit into the old one and praying to god that one day the leather will give way and this union will be comfortable and only occasionally frustrating.
Me and My Ole Man
Last night after all the festivities went down I fell asleep next to my ole man and it was heaven. We had a night of disclosure, a night of unbridled laughter and a night of a little too much tequila. I fell asleep in the arms of my love and in the morning he was gone. I will say this, it was the first time between he and I that there was nothing standing between us and our happiness, and that felt damn good. It took soo much pressure off of our shoulders, and it was so nice to look across the bar, lock eyes, grin like fools, and not have to worry who saw what. It was natural, it was the way it should be.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Its been months and much has changed.
I have cut ties to everyone I was dating, the see-saw effect was tiring and honestly I dont think I was enjoying any of it anymore. Eventually I settled back and enjoyed things and for a while all was good. Camper and I decided to not talk again, mainly bcs it was easy for me to walk away and he is the kind of person who when he cuts ties he cuts every single one. He sees no reason to maintain a friendship with an ex, and honestly I cant fault him for that. Every once in a while I will see him online and want to reach out but I turn my attention elsewhere and then he is gone. I met someone and fell into a sort of calm with them that is only disturbed when Utah tries to make one of his now famous comebacks or my ex (who introduced us) comes back into town.
i do feel like sometimes we juggle these things, for days on end Utah was sending gifts (yes, even a disgusting cheesecake) and now my ex is in town making it difficult to see my ole man. They are best friends and while I know that Hoss and I have been over for a while and were over before his friend and I got together, my ole man and I are both concerned about what happens when we finally come clean with our relationship. But, these issues will iron themselves out in time. Utah comes home in a month or so after quitting his job when he realized I was really gone, and well the only thing I really have to say about that is Im not sure it matters what he does at this point. My ole man and I have an amazing relationship, we enjoy our time together and hate being apart and I never have to worry about him leaving me behind to fight wars n far off places. He has done that already. He made a lifetime of it. He retired. He is staying put. For me, there is a vast amount of security in that. Both of us have begun clearing up our lives in an effort to make room for the other and both of us have been very upfront about our shortcomings. I realized the one thing that has stood in the way of every relationship I have had was Utah. Even just the prospect of having him in my life always resided in the back of my head and it lashed out at any roots that tried to grow there. More now than ever I can say that I have removed what I believe to be the last of him from my life, taken down his photos, stowed away what memories I wanted to keep and thrown away the rest. I have deleted all of his txt msgs that I had been saving. They came from loneliness and the knowledge that I was a race he was losing, not real love. At least, none that I ever knew.
The nice thing about a relationship that we are forced to keep at bay is that we are forced to really want to be together if we are going to be. We have multiple doors we can exit out of but thus far nothing we have encountered that is too hard. The happiest times we have together are with friends or on the bike, racing up and down the roads that have become the backdrop to my life out here. Our first date almost never was. He had a hell of a night the night before and managed to sleep all day. I had been waiting and finally after getting pissed off I went out to run some errands and return a few things. I tried to blow it off like it was nothing (his situation at the time was something I completely understood and supported, as is my MO) but he could tell that I was annoyed as this was the second set of plans that had been shot to shit. 20 minutes later I get a txt msg: “Get your gear on, Im taking you to dinner”. And I smiled. A half hour later he was at my house on his Harley and he was carrying a brand new leather riding jacket, which as it would turn out, I needed bcs it was a cold night and we were riding up to the mountains. He took me to a back woods bar where you grilled your own meat and served us hot coffee in glass mugs.
From our first real date
I was overtaken by this feeling of “I belong here” and as he grilled my burger over the hot flames I wrapped my still cold and stiff arms around him and kissed his face. Ever since I cant recall a time in my life where I have laughed so much or felt so secure and protected.
So, what can I say? Im wearing his ring on my middle finger and it never leaves. It seems we are both fighting for the same things and both of us are willing to shoulder the burden of the secrets we are keeping. I feel free to live my life and only when we hit a speed bump do we stop and look at each other. It is then that we know that neither one of us are letting go, and that is an amazing feeling. The only REAL concern I have is that there is a bit of an age difference. People used to refer to me as a cougar bcs everyone I dated was younger than I. Camper was 24, Hoss was 26, Tattoo was 27, The Marine was 22 (good lord…!), even Utah was a year younger than I. But my ole man, he is older. A lot older. Like, I was being born when he was entering the military. ::giggle:: And it is not even a concern, but it is something I know will change things in the future. But thats the future. For now he and I are just having a ball.
Any thought I have ever had about moving back to NY has been thrown away and Im just waiting to see what the next chapter looks like. So far it has been a damn good read.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Utah txts me: Baby, I love you. With all my heart and all my soul. With every last breath and every last drop of blood. I love you.
Then I see a post on his FB page from the girl he was with in Kuwait: Hey baby, I love you tooooooooo
Now I feel like an idiot.
We went to the state fair today and this is when I came upon a very interesting sight. yes, there was trailer trash a plenty and more makeup than you’ll ever find at a Mary Kay convention combined, but the best thing to watch was those god blessed sheep.
I have never seen this in real life, the practice of volunteering ones children to be put in helmets and force them to hold on for dear life as the sheep is cast out into a ring where it runs about and eventually throws the now emotionally damaged child into the mud. Face first. And the crowd claps, points, and laughs. The child might never be the same.
But here is the bit I was fascinated with! The sheep, having rolled over the kid, kicked it in its head and managed back to its nimble feet, that sheep runs to meet its friends at the end of the caged in area, Baaaaaahing contentedly, proclaiming to all of its friends that if they have missed it, he has in fact made another mini human run off crying. The sheep seem to enjoy this way to much. And in turn, I grew a new found respect for the sheep. Once it reached its friends they baaaaaaahed at each other, maybe shared a head butt and returned their attention to the next contestant, who was currently raising from the mud, confused, and screaming for its mommy. I swear, the sheep were laughing. Fuckers.
Filed under: "Utah", Bad Day, Camper, Deployment | Tags: Annoyed, Deployment
SO, I realize that I havent written in a while… and maybe its bcs I havent had anything to write about. Seriously. I get up every day and IM with Camper for hours, and then I get a letter or two from him, and then he calls and I get to spend an hour trying to come up with things to say. Maybe… maybe I was a horrible person but when the shit hit the fan I took the first door I could and exited stage left. Ok, the fact was that he was paranoid, needy and somewhat creepy, but thats not it… oh wait, that was ENTIRELY it!!
On hte other hand, I had been keeping in touch with Utah, and as if on cue, the second he heard about Camper and I getting together he threw a hissy fit and … then when he found out that we had parted ways he eventually admitted that while visiting his friend in Kuwait he gave her the special working over. And then told me that he wants to marry me. Still.
::sigh:: You have got to be kidding me. Why cant I have a normal relationship with someone who is actually in the UNITED STATES???? I mean crap!
